There’s something looney about the fact that my gay boyfriend has pulled a disappearing act on me, and I’m left to be comforted by his boyfriend. While someone did say any gay boyfriend is better than none, I must admit I miss the original. Though the stand-in is great to talk shopping with.

 

Things have been progressing with me. Thanks for asking. They’re “as well as expected”. However, don’t throw your expectations at me. I’ve been floaty all day. Content. It’s highly scary to realize you don’t want, need or crave anything. Not even attention. Do you know how scary that is for me?

 

You probably don’t, but that’s ok. Even if you do know, that’s ok too. Is it OK or ok or okay? No, I don’t really want to know. I want to sit down and have a cup of chai with old friends. Only, I’m not sure if my old friends care for a cup of chai. Or a mug. Or a saucer or a sip. In fact, I’m not sure I care for old friends. However, I can bring myself to feel nostalgic enough to miss my cousin, with whom I’d chatted into the night many, many times, sitting smack in the middle of a road, coffee mugs in hand, ready to sun every time we saw a car coming. Most times, the car would turn left or right, depending on your perspective, and disappear. But I bet they saw us in the glow of the headlights and wondered why we were sitting in the middle of the road. Somehow, sitting in the middle of a street when you’re fifteen, talking about all sort of stupid things you can’t remember when you’re twenty-one – that’s liberating.

 

I have these moments I get nostalgic for. Another one is sitting at the Bandra Reclamation Bus Depot sharing unending chai-and-cigarettes, just talking. About everything. With someone who knows you and who you know. There’s nothing left to discover, and you’ve just started talking for the first time 3 days back.

 

Sitting in your (now) gay boyfriend’s car, listening to him tell you about how much he loves his love, and somehow feeling your usual cynicism about things of the heart disappear. And then picking a fight just for the heck of it, because you can’t bring yourself to tell him how happy you are for him.

 

Going round and round in circles all the while trying to convince everyone else you do know the way. And all they have to do is turn around to get to where you want to go.

 

Meeting brand new people whom you instantly fall in love with over large quantities of alcohol at Mondegar. Yeah, you know who y’all are. Idiots. When will we admit that it was the alcohol that did it?  ;)

 

Turning around to the majesty of ice-clad ranges shining golden in the sunrise.

 

Being engrossed in something, and feeling that sudden kiss on your cheek.

 

Sitting in the school bus everyday, wishing something interesting would happen to you.

 

Walking out on stage for the first time.

 

Shooting matchboxes from out of a fourth floor window.

 

Going to a movie hall, and standing in line for a sold out show.

 

Making your professors think you care, because you forgot your glasses, and your presentation is teary.

 

The feeling in your stomach when you see Robbie Williams on stage.

 

Sitting in candle light, there, in that old house, always touching, always there.

 

Waking up in the morning, in hospital, because the ward-boy wants to give you the letter that was hastily scribbled for you, which you know you cherish.

 

There are way too many moments. And I want them all back. It seems like I don’t have the time to make any more of those. Until yesterday, when the six dunderheads sat around a table, and hardly said anything.